| rant #500 |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|12:49 pm] |
It is implied that america is a land of freedoms; a land free of persecution. I disagree. Children are forced to attend a school in which they are given a narrow selection of academia to learn. After being prisoners of public institutions in their development and brainwashed by shallow adults, they have no choice but to attend college or get a job in order to survive. If neither option is chosen, they are forced to live under another institution: their household. We are suppressed by the extreme norms we are encouraged to follow. We are controlled. We are vulnerable. We are institutionalized.
fuck college. fuck my family's dynamic. I'm a prisoner in a free world.
You may say "You selfish spoiled brat. You are not a victim of persectution, torture, or abuse. You have been granted an opportunity to excel and be prosperous."
I would disagree with all of those claims. I am a victim of persecution, torture, and abuse. Not theoretically, but quite literally, I am. What's even worse is that it is concealed. It's not an exposed problem like those problems in developing or poor countries. It's a deep dark secret. It is intended to be "the norm."
I live. I do what I can. I exercise. I keep myself sane. I take care of myself. Do I feel stuck? yes. Do I feel scared? yes.
Since my lifestyle is not technically wrong (in comparison to the others who suffer in developing counries), I am forced to live it. I am forced to "deal with it." That's fine because "that's the way it is." |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|07:24 pm] |
does anyone else have a f***ed up family? The women in my family are jealous of each other. It's disgusting!!!! My stage mom has major insecurities and my cousins are all jealous fake losers. My sister is acting so bitchy and jealous. She's so f***ed up! Ugh, I wish I didn't know all this. I wish I was ignorant of all these issues. I was better off when i was a kid and didn't have the capacity to think about all the bs in my life. f*** them allllll. I'm the nicest one. I always compliment my sister and mother. Do they ever compliment me? no. they are such assholes.
i need to keep telling myself that the reason why they are weird around me is because I have virtues they want. But it doesnt make me feel better knowing that my family, the people I love the most in this world, have petty stupid and cruel feelings towards me that they have had all their lives. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2009|07:08 am] |
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I f**king hate college. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2009|10:31 am] |
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I HATE COLLEGE!!!!! I'm so alone I never go out I never do anything except go to class and study. Nobody asks me out or how i'm doing. IT SUCKS HERE!!!!! I want to kill myself but I can't becuse my family will suffer. LIFE IS A GAME THAT I"M LOSING AT. I DON"T WANT TO BE HERE. I hate being forced to do something I hate. Never had a boyfriend or anything. No guy likes me or has the balls to ask me out. WTF!! I am seriously going to kill myself if my lonely miserable existence does not change. I can't even do that! I can't even kill myself because it'll make my family sad.FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK my life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2009|06:45 pm] |
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I'm my biggest critic. I get upset at myself for doing everyday normal things. Trying to be my definition of perfect is tormenting and unproductive. I need to start living. I'm 20 years old and I think like a 40 year old. WTF. I've always been like that. My mom told me that I was worrying about my resume at the age of 10. It's ok to be mature, but not in the sense that you're worrying about things that an adult would worry about. Be youthful. Think youthful thoughts. That's the key to happiness. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2009|11:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Amsterdam - Coldplay | ] |
Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to the noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won't change a thing
I'm sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge, tied to a noose
You came along and you cut me loose |
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| It's a Beautiful Day |
[Jul. 5th, 2009|03:29 pm] |
An interesting thing happened to me today.
I went to church by myself for the first time in a while. About 2 minutes into the service, I started crying. I continued to cry for about ten minutes. Words can't describe what I was feeling. Every problem, every darkness inside me came rushing out all at once. I was repenting. The reason I think the crying episode occurred in church was because I was moved by the beauty of christian literature, and I was reminiscent of my childhood years at church, when everything was wonderful. I then realized how my life had affected me. I never really expressed how I felt when something bad happened in my life. I would swallow it and "move on." After countless attempts to stop crying, I finally did when the preacher started telling his sermon. Nice guy. The lady behind me sneaked a tissue through the pews. After the sermon was done, she gave me a huge hug and said, "peace!" It brought back some old feelings so I felt really good after that. I think I'm going to go more often. No other experience has made me respond in that manner. I am curious to see if this will make me feel better overall. So far I'm feeling pretty loved and I don't know why because I live a very isolated life. It's kind of cool. So we'll see where I end up. In honor of that nice lady who sat behind me: peace. |
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| It's a good day... |
[Jun. 29th, 2009|04:08 pm] |
Hi everyone,
I'm in a chipper mood today. I got in touch with some old friends and now I feel like I actually have a life. Skating starts tomorrow, I sold my fridge, I'm going home for july 4th. happy happy happy! |
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| Damn... |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|05:21 pm] |
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The day hasn't turned out well. I just drove by the douchebag and his girlfriend. Double eek. tomorrow better be a good day because I can't take anymore shitty ones. |
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| It's one o'clock...I'm still okay... |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|12:56 pm] |
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I've been dancing to michael jackson's beat it repeatedly for the last couple hours. Not too depressed yet. But there is still 10 more hours to go... I could mesmerize britney spears videos and dance to those but I think I'll take a break from the dancing. I don't really want food since every time I look at my facebook I think "what a fat heifer." Oh yea I've stopped going on facebook since like two weeks ago. I get really sad/anxious for some reason when I look at my profile. Well, since it's me we're talking about here I don't really need a reason for being sad/anxious, I just am. Ok on that note, more MJ classics. I'm destined for failure with this attitude. I'll report back tonight since I have nothing better to do. |
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| Sunday sighs |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|10:24 am] |
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So far I haven't completely desecrated my day. There's hope for me yet! Sundays seem to be a day of rejuvenating anyways. By one o'clock I usually start getting the waves of depression so prepare yourself when I report back around that time. It could get ugly. My life is like a giant wave. I also just realized another wonderful trait about myself. I'm attracted to unavailable men. GO ME! Not sure how to cure that one. I'm not liking who I'm turning out to be as an adult. There's plenty of time to change at least. peace out. |
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| Alone Again...Naturally |
[Jun. 27th, 2009|08:05 pm] |
Get me out of this hole
No way out
getting deeper and deeper
into the dark
get me out of this hole
quick and painlessly
before I fall too deep
I'm in too deep
so fucking sad all the time
Don't want to be near anyone
Don't want to go anywhere
Don't want to be seen/heard
Just want to be alone.
When I think I'm out
You pull me back in
Like a fucking disease
You pull me back in. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|11:53 am] |
R.I.P. beautiful Michael Jackson
Your music lives on
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2009|04:08 pm] |
I'm starting figure skating next week. I have been eating healthy (with the exception of those 3 spring rolls I downed) and exercising regularly so I should be ok. I've taken a 2-year break, but I'm hoping the 16 years of training will kick in. I want to pass the three remaining levels and I'm also hoping to look like this (but that's a long shot):
Isn't she amazing?
She works so hard though... I read that her routine is skating, skating, lunch, skating, gym, ballet, sleep. That's a lot of money being thrown at one sport.
I probably need new skates but spending $1200 on new riedells is not in the cards right now. |
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| yea about that... |
[Jun. 12th, 2009|12:58 pm] |
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I've decided NOT to go on the date with him. After clarifying that he still loves his girlfriend but still wants to go out with me, he started to look more like a pervert than anything else. He says that she's cool with it, but I doubt that. He's just lonely and horny. So, that's that. I'm liberated. so proud of myself. |
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| don't judge me... |
[Jun. 11th, 2009|05:48 pm] |
I feel like a total skank. My friend's boyfriend (the one I like) asked me out for dinner and a movie. yea.
It's safe to say that he likes me.
I sort of said yes. eek!
I asked him if my friend would mind, but he said "no it's cool"
Oh no. Does that mean their relationship is over or does that mean he's being sketchy and not telling me they're still together. ah!
I'm officially the rebound girl. Go me.
Comment away about my patheticness. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2009|01:48 pm] |
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I should start a lj community that's called "I'm sick of working in the land of corporate bulls**t so I'm moving to Europe and becoming a farmer." Who would join? You know you want to... |
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